


Strange Charity

by grasssea



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Blind Date, Gen, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8465173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grasssea/pseuds/grasssea
Summary: Maze tries to help, in her own way. Things go wildly off the rails.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not super happy with how this one turns out but posting it anyways because the world needs more Maze and Linda. (pus little hints of Dan/Amenadiel, I'm playing with it)
> 
> Sometime between episode 4 and 5 or in an alternate universe or something, I don't know, it's been in the works for a while.

Linda was very cute, but sometimes she could be a bit of a downer.

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” she whispered to Maze when Amenadiel went to get his coat.

“He’s mopey.” Maze explained. “He needs something to concentrate on, and apparently getting laid isn’t cutting it. Heavenly beings are so needy, a relationship should help. Candles, roses, all that garbage.”

Linda still looked dubious, Maze patted her shoulder and tried to put it in terms the doctor would understand.

“He’s sensitive.”

“I have realized that,” Linda said, looking over her glasses at Maze. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a professional. But you can’t force him into something. He needs to make his own choices, and be an active participant in his own love life.”

Maze shrugged, “He’s dumb, I’m not waiting a millenia for him to get over himself. Think of it this way, the sooner he gets his act together, the sooner he stops looking like a kicked puppy around your office.”

“Fair enough,” Linda agreed, and pulled on her jacket. As she adjusted the collar she gave Maze a look- and not a good one. “All that garbage? You got me flowers last week.”

“‘I don’t have to understand it to know it makes you happy,’” Maze repeated, with a grin, Linda’s own words from a week ago coming back to haunt her. “If the dead plants do it for you, I’m not going to judge. Anything for my best friend.”

“I feel unjudged, I really do,” Linda deadpanned as she fumbled with the door. Amenadiel was standing awkwardly in the hallway. He looked like death warmed over, and not even in a sexily disheveled way, which only strengthened Maze’s resolve to get him a love life. His weird, unexplainable brooding was interfering with her Linda time.

“Ready to go?” Maze asked gruffly, slinging her trenchcoat over her shoulder.

“As soon as you tell me where we’re going,” Amenadiel countered, but there was no real fight in it. Maze got the sense that she could have just bundled him into an elevator and into the trunk of Linda’s car, without much of a fight.

“A bar, we’re meeting a guy.” Maze said, moving towards the stairwell, all curt, shepherding movements. Her hands tugged helplessly at the air, as if she could telekinetically drag Linda along behind her- a very mortal motion. Useless and entirely self soothing.

Amenadiel didn’t even protest. It was pathetic. A host of heaven, reduced to an unshaven sad man in a cable knit sweater in the back seat, staring moodily out the window at the headlights streaming past. Maze wasn’t sure whether she wanted to slap him or screw him, and both were very much off the table for the time being. She had given herself an angelic restraining order, no more hands on involvement until she had her own life figured out.

So of course, her only option left was to set Amenadiel up on a date.

 

 

 

 

Daniel Espinoza was waiting at the bar, looking grumpy and attractive in the sort of nonthreatening, middle-aged-dad way that Amenadiel probably went for.

(At least that was what Maze’s instincts and Amenadiel’s screamingly obvious parental issues were telling her, and she was rarely wrong when it came to those matters.)

As Maze and her posse came through the door, grumpy turned into quietly fuming. He stalked over, as much as anyone could stalk in a crowded bar, and -when he was close enough to not make a scene- whispered angrily, “What was that about? You can’t just leave an ominous voice mail on someone’s work phone with vague instructions and threats. How did you even get my phone number?”

As he spoke he ran a well trained eye over Linda and Amenadiel, taking in Linda’s big expensive handbag and tasteful floral print, Amenadiel’s slumped shoulders and rumpled designer jeans.

“I needed you to come over here.” Maze said, not particularly impressed by the halfhearted wrath of any human who wore v-neck cardigans on a Saturday night. “And I know you don’t have anything to do.”

Dan pressed the ball of his thumb and pointer finger to his eyes, like if he tried hard enough he could gouge them out and remove himself from the situation by way of an ambulance. It was the sort of thing Maze could imagine Detective Chloe doing, a little marker of a relationship that was now officially over.

“That’s not the point…” he said feebly, and Maze knew that she had won.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You don’t have anything to do, my friend here,” she gestured at Amenadiel, who glanced momentarily away from his inspection of the sport playing on the bar TVs, “doesn’t either. You’re both sad. If you could at least be sad together for a few hours at least I would feel a little less helpless about the situation.”

That was a Linda word, helpless. Not feeling like you could do anything in your situation- and being hurt on the inside because of it.

It was a word Maze was using more and more recently. It turned out that having the words for things just made you realize how often you felt them.

“Why should I do that?” Dan demanded, gesturing with his hands and nearly knocking over a senior citizen walking past carrying an armful of beer. He and Linda moved a little further in, consolidating their group into a corner by the entrance. After a second Maze and Amenadiel followed them.

“Because you need friends.” Maze told him. “And someone who understands your daughter, which I do.”

She could see Dan struggling to walk away, but parental adoration won over. It always did. He crossed his arms, waiting for the inevitable explanation.

It took Linda a second to correctly interpret Maze’s significant head nods, but when she did she quickly hustled Amenadiel towards the bar, leaving Maze alone to make her ultimatum.

“You want your kid to like you, right? Well, she lives with me and she likes me. And she talks. A lot.” There was no small amount of fondness in Maze’s voice. She liked the tiny Decker. Children were uncomplicated. Terrible in groups, but one at a time they were tolerable. “I could tell you things.”

Dan scoffed. “Are you offering to share kiddie gossip with me?”

“Nothing she shares me to secrecy about.” Maze said, she wasn’t a snitch “But essentially, yes. Who’s the mean girl, what she really wants for Christmas, how mommy and daddy are sooooo annoying. How she figured out the password to your work email.”

“This is ridiculous,” Dan complained, but he didn’t march out and Maze knew she had won.

She grinned. “Give it an hour. Just try not to be a complete stick in the mud.”

“One hour, hanging out, no strings,” he agreed, looking like he had a lot of questions for God about how his life had ended up like this. Luckily, Maze knew just the guy he could address religious queries to. She gently shoved Dan in Amenadiel’s direction.

“He’s foreign, explain sports to him or something.” she instructed, and then went to find herself and Linda a booth.

“We don’t get along!” Dan warned as she walked away, but Maze ignored him.

Linda stumbled out of the crowd within minutes, looking more than a little ruffled. Her heels and neat curls stood out against the sea of jerseys surrounding them. It wasn’t the chicest place in town, but Maze hadn’t wanted to scare any of the delicate personalities involved in her plan. Now she was regretting not finding a place with at least some class.

“Do you want a beer?” Linda asked in a breathy voice, which only confirmed Maze’s fears. Years of advancement in weaponry, medicine, and skintight clothing, and humans still hadn’t gotten over fermented hops. It had been excusable when the ancients were still figuring out alcohol, but millennia later and humanity still insisted on going for the weakest drink next to cider.

“Get me two.”

“Coming up,” Linda promised, and disappeared again. Try as she might, Maze couldn’t see the bar or Dan and Amenadiel. She just had to hope that if things went wrong there would be screams.

Linda returned with drinks, and a succinct report on the lovebirds, namely that they seemed to be quietly sniping at each other over ciders. It wasn’t exactly what Maze had been dreaming of, but if it kept them from being sad sacks all over her life, she’d take it. Dour dads doing custody tradeoffs weren’t fun to deal with at seven in the morning in her own kitchen.

“Are humans always this complicated?” she asked Linda after she finished her first beer.

“Almost always.” Linda said, “I mean, that is why I have a job."

“They need to stop.” Maze declared, angrily pulling the cap off of bottle number two and glaring down the man across the room making eyes at her.

“Again… that is my job. They haven't shown any signs of stopping yet.” Linda sighed and took a sip of her martini. “But to be fair, you and Lucifer aren’t exactly uncomplicated either.”

“I am the least complicated person you’ll ever meet,” Maze said with a straight face and watched as Linda tried not to giggle. She got tipsy fast and stayed tipsy for long time, a superpower of only minor intoxication in the face of drinks that would floor grown men. “What? At least I admit it when I need to work off stress, instead of ignoring it like some idiots.”

Linda managed to compose herself and straightened her glasses. “The human psyche is complex. Sometimes people need a grieving period to deal with their issues before moving on.”

“Ugh.” Maze said, and let Linda lean into her side. She glances back at Dan and Amenadiel, just barely visible through the press of sweaty, stinky humanity. “Think they’ll hookup?”

“Maybe. Probably not. You can;t force people into these things." Linda reminded her.

Maze rolled her eyes, and glared at Amenadiel’s back, as if she could will him into making smarter choices. She was distracted by a flash of perfectly coiffed bronze hair, a glimpse of white frills and the gleam of tasteful chunky jewelry.

Maze stood up so fast Linda almost toppled to the floor and hissed, a sibilant sound low in the throat that humans couldn’t even begin to approximate, that sent shivers down the spine of anyone with a functioning self preservation instinct. (In a crowded bar, it just got her a few startled looks.)

“What the hell is she doing here?”

Charlotte was stumbling across the bar floor, making her way to Amenadiel. She looked panicked. She looked like trouble.

Linda straightened her glasses, and muttered, “It’s not even ladies night.” Maze grabbed her by the arm and dove forward, a battering ram intent on intercepting Charlotte before she made it to the moody blind date/disaster in progress.

She almost succeeded.

Charlotte was just a little too fast, and sadly just a little too loud.

“Amenadiel, I lost the children!”

 

 

 

They regrouped outside the bar, despite Maze’s objections.

Linda was inside, paying the bar tab, which left her dealing with one goddess, one angel, and one infuriatingly calm police officer. She wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Ma’am, please, can you repeat again what happened.” Dan said. Charlotte sighed. Her obvious frustration with Espinoza was possibly the only redeeming factor to the whole situation.

“Look, I don’t know who you are, but I came here to talk to Amenadiel-”

Dan pressed his lips together. “Ma’am, I’m a detective. This is my job.”

Charlotte glanced at her son, who nodded encouragingly.

“Fine. I told the children they couldn’t go out tonight, they wanted to go to something at their school. Something about a hoedown. They agreed, and I went to make dinner, but when I tried to call them down they weren’t in their rooms. I don’t know where they could have gone.” She folded her arms across her chest, and Maze noted gleefully that she couldn’t be comfortable in a sleeveless top at night.

“Did you check their school, this event they wanted to go to?” Dan asked.

“Of course I did, I’m not an idiot. They weren’t there. I don’t know where they could have gotten to.” Charlotte said, looked more and ore vexed by the minute. “I’d as their father, but he’s off at some poker game. So I went looking for the one person I could find.”

“How did you even know where I was?” Amenadiel asked.

Charlotte raised an eyebrow. “Some things a mo- a friend knows.”

At least she’d managed to keep from dropping that bombshell on Espinoza, not that friend-with-a-significant-pause was any better. Luckily the bit of him that wasn’t all professionalism seemed to be focused on Charlotte’s ample cleavage, and it had blown right past him.

“Right, are there any places they might go if they were angry at you? A family friend’s house, a nearby relative’s, a favorite hideout?”

“I don’t know!” Charlotte said, helplessly, “I have no idea what the little monsters get up to.”

Dan rubbed his eyes, tired. “Look, I’m off duty, so there isn’t much I can do for you. But if they can’t drive they’re probably still close to your house. Go back, search the area, call a few friends of theirs, and if you still can’t find them, phone the police.”

Linda appeared, eyes bright and curious, and took Maze’s hand. Maze took that as her cue to go.

“Well, this is all fascinating, but my night is already ruined so I think we’ll head off.” she said, well aware that no one was really paying attention to her. Amenadiel had a hand on Charlotte’s shoulder, Charlotte looked about ready to cry or throw down a moderately sized plague, and Dan was trying to talk sense into a greater deity, a fruitless venture if there ever was one.

“Are you sure they don’t need our help?” Linda whispered.

Maze gave the trio a long look. “Positive.”

“They kind of look like they do,” Linda said doubtfully. Pity was going to get Maze killed one of these days, she just knew it. Lucifer would probably be the culprit, but Linda was fast gaining on him.

She sighed again, and made her way over to Charlotte, sharp, short steps, a face that hopefully would convince everyone not to judge her for this lapse of sanity.

“Give me your phone.” she demanded. “Not your work phone, your personal one.”

Charlotte scowled, but handed over an expensive looking hunk of metal and plastic, then typed in the password when Maze handed it back with an expression of disbelief and askance.

“Did you try calling them?” she asked, flipping through pages of apps full of notifications that looked like they had been ignored for weeks, probably since the real Charlotte Richards had died.

“Yes. I’m not an idiot.” Charlotte said huffily. “They wouldn’t answer.”

Dan peered over Maze’s shoulder, his breath hot on the back of her neck. “Hey, you’ve got one of those Find My Family apps.”

Charlotte looked genuinely shocked by this revelation, earning her an odd look from Dan and a gentle nudge from Amenadiel. “I do? I mean, of course I do. I just…. forgot about that, temporarily.”

Maze was all too happy to hand Dan the phone and wash her hands of this domestic disaster. He squinted at the phone in the streetlight, then gave Charlotte an even more dubious look.

“Ma’am, it says they’re right down the street.”

 

 

 

 

After days of boredom, it was nice to be on the hunt again.

Maze glanced at Amenadiel, creeping around the other side of the car. If she strained, she could hear giggles from the trunk of the Charlotte’s mini-van.

Smart aleck kids deciding to prank their fun-killing mom by hiding was so far from Maze's job description it wasn’t even funny, but apparently that was what her life had come to these days.

When she and Amenadiel were in position, Charlotte pressed the unlock button, and they pounced.

Kids weren’t half as hard to subdue as tormented souls, but the little buggers put up a good fight. Maze was almost happy to drop them at Charlotte’s feet.

“How could you! I was worried sick!” the goddess raged, almost sounding for a second like she cared about the brats. The illusion was quickly shattered when she added, “I swear, I didn’t have to deal with this the first time.”

There was no escape for the Richards children, Maze and Amenadiel had their back and Linda and Dan were covering the side escape routes. Dan looked especially disappointed, he was the only actually human parent of the bunch, Maze remembered.

“You‘re no fun any more!” one of the terrible tots shouted. “You keep burning the food and making daddy act funny! You’re not our real mother!”

They had a point there, Maze had to admit. Amenadiel was looking almost guilty about inflicting his mother on the little cretins.

Dan flashed his badge, which instantly quieted the uproar. (They were starting to get funny looks from exiting bar patrons.) He took a knee and leaned in.

“Hey, look, I know you were mad at your mom but what you did was still, not cool. Running away scares your parents a lot. You could have made a lot of trouble for the police if they thought you were really missing, and that’s bad for everyone. If my daughter went missing, I’d be terrified…..”

Maze zoned out as the parental drivel went on and on. There were tears.

“We’re going home, right now.” Charlotte said, smoothing back her hair. “Thank you, Amenadiel, Maze. Hu- Detective.”

“Not a problem.” Dan said, hooking his thumbs into his pockets. “Just, um, be a little more thorough, next time.”

“Take care.” Amenadiel said politely, with a face Maze recognized as ‘I haven’t had nearly enough to drink.’ Still, he looked…. significantly less upset than he had been previously. Maze was chalking it up to the few alcoholic beverages he had consumed.

“Well, that was a disaster.” Maze said, as Charlotte left in the middle of her swarm of humans. Linda hooked an arm through hers.

“Yeah.” Dan agreed. “Not that it hasn’t been fun, because it really hasn’t, but I have my own kid to take care of tomorrow and my time for you is up. I’m off.” Amenadiel caught him before he could leave.

“Thank you, for helping her. That was pretty clever. It definitely saved everyone a lot of trouble.”

Maze couldn’t quite tell in the lighting, but she thought Dan grinned. “Just doing my job.” Linda was smiling even wider now, as Dan made for his car.

“I can walk home.” Amenadiel said to the two of them. “I think I could use the air.”

“Right, well. Sorry I couldn’t fix you up.” Maze sighed. “I’ll try again tomorrow, I guess.”

He raised his hands, “No…. I’m actually good, Maze.”

Maze stared at him as he headed off, down the streets, past little crowds of girls on pub crawls, neatly circumnavigating the frat boy in the facepaint throwing up.

“I have no idea what just happened.” she told Linda. “Care to explain.”

Linda shrugged, still a little tipsy, though not enough that anyone but a professional debaucher would notice. “I think you may have just given them just what they needed.”

“A drink?”

“No, no.” Linda shook her head. “To feel needed. Sometimes, if we lack a sense of purpose in our lives, we suffer from feelings of helplessness. A victory, however small, can reaffirm our self confidence. It reminds us that we can succeed.”

“Hmmph.” Maze started walking back to the car, still arm in arm with Linda. “I don’t buy it.”

“It’s quite clever, actually.” Linda smiled, “You know, if you had done it on purpose.”

“I refuse to accept that Charlotte crashing this actually helped us.” Maze said. “That woman is the mother of all evil, literally. Plus, they’re still sad and single.” It wasn’t at all how she had pictured the night ending. There had been a plan. It had involved getting everyone drunk and sloppy bathroom sex, yes, but it had been a plan.

“But, that little emergency helped them remember that they’re useful. That they’re important to others.” Linda slid into the drivers seat and kicked off her heels. “I know Amenadiel has been having trouble lately, and that other man… he’s getting a divorce or something. It was admirable of you to try to help them.”

“Now I feel like you’re trying to reaffirm my self esteem.” Maze said, dropping a few too many air quotations in the sentence at random intervals. She really wished she’d gotten to finish her second beer.

Linda shrugged. “I think you tried to help people, in your own way. And you succeeded, however weirdly. That’s admirable.”

“Nobody got laid.” Maze pointed out.

“The night is still young.” Linda said, pulling out of her parking spot.

“Huh. Wanna find a better bar?”

“How about cocktails at my place,” she suggested. “I have raspberry vodka.”

The night didn’t go as planned, but it did it rather splendidly.


End file.
